LGF – Charles Johnson 2010 Calendar
My friends at The Nose On Your Face have a great parody about Charles Johnson of Little Green Footballs fame. Johnson has recently gone bonkers and is probably close to a nervous breakdown. The parody is a great piece that delves into Johnson’s weirdness.
The guys at the Nose On Your Face have brought us such great items as Islamic Rage Boy and Ahmed and the Chipmunks. And don’t forget Islamic Rage Boy sings “Infidels”.
Big Dog Salute to American Digest
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Tags: charles johnson, little green footballs, the nose on your face
Bring Me The Head Of Michael Moore
Oct 26, 2009 Humor, Political, Satire
There is a new potential blockbuster on the horizon for Hollywood, and really, all anyone has to do is follow the porcine Michael Moore around with a camera (not too closely) for about three months- even leftists who support Chavez should be able to find Mr. Moore by then, and they are really dumb- look at who they support, while a formerly good and decent country is dragged down to third- world banana status.
It’s all about pride, and the perception that Hugo Chavez is something other than the idiot he seems to be- well, Chavistas can’t have that, so they attack anyone and anything that poses a problem for poor old Hugo. A jar of salsa can’t be opened by the great man? Line it up against a wall and shoot the top off. That’s one of their solutions to a resistance to Chavez. Third world banana republic tinpot dictators are like that, you know. Aw, shoot- I’m profiling again, aren’t I?
But they go further than that- Michael Moore’s comments on a Jimmy Kimmel show have made the Chavistas mad- he dared to portray El Gordo (the fat one) as less than God- like.
During a recent appearance on ABC’s late-night program “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” Mr. Moore gave an account — apparently tongue in cheek — of how he drank a bottle-and-a-half of tequila with Mr. Chávez at the Venice Film Festival in September, and how he mistook Venezuela’s burly foreign minister, Nicolás Maduro, for a bodyguard.
Those comments have created an uproar here among some of Mr. Chávez’s loyal supporters, known as Chavistas.
nytimes.com
Goodness- such a slam- the Chavistas were furious, but not because of just that one comment- wait!- there’s more-
Ms. Golinger and other Chavistas took particular umbrage at Mr. Moore’s suggestion that he had imbibed with Mr. Chávez (the president is a noted teetotaler) while giving him some speechwriting advice. The advice, Mr. Moore said in the appearance, had been accepted.
Mr. Moore’s comments “about President Chávez asking him to ‘help’ write his United Nations speech demonstrate Moore’s extreme ego,” Ms. Golinger wrote.
“President Chávez is one of the most brilliant speakers in the world, with an immense capacity to bring together a variety of ideas while being coherent,” she added. “We know that nobody writes his speeches, not even him! He speaks from his heart, and not from a teleprompter!”
nytimes.com
Yes, Chavez’ words rain down from heaven, yada, yada, yada- Chavez is a blowhard, that much is true, and the people who follow him are clueless lemmings, but, as I said at the outset, we might have a documentary/ snuff film/ comedy/ thriller on our hands. Oh, to have a handle on all those genres, and demographics, and all we have to do is get a few cameras and follow Mr. Moore around- the Chavistas have such a fragile ego collectively, that they resemble the White House, so we can expect the attacks to commence very soon.
But here its not the Chicago Way- its the Caracas Way- and they will use assassination- oh, they will need armor- piercing ammo, in order to penetrate that layer of blubber he protects himself with. Mickey D’s make for good kevlar- like protection- all those chemicals and preservatives, you know.
Perhaps they will use a harpoon, but that might bring the wrath of Greenpeace upon them. Wouldn’t that be cool? And if the Sierra Club got in on the chase, figuring that he needed to be banded and studied, and his natural environment ( a padded room) should be protected. Imagine the cast of characters, the twists and turns!
This could be done with non- union labor, just like Michael Moore does- oh, the irony, as we capture the final moments of his life, I can hear the cheering in the theaters. Doctors will be in the theaters during the last five minutes! Those who are weak of heart should not attend, for fear that the joy might be too much.
And just think- for once in his life, Chavez might actually have done something positive for this world and the environment.
I am sure however, the Venezuelans would stake a claim on Moore’s fat body, and designate it as an alternative energy source.
After all, whale oil used to be all the rage.
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Tags: chavez, el gordo, insults, michael moore, reality
Group- Think
Oct 22, 2009 Humor, Opinion, Political
I have wondered for some time if there is a bunker somewhere in an undisclosed location (let’s ask Joe Biden- he knows), where there are troll- like little liberal roaches, failed Dungeons & Dragons web users who ravenously consume potato chips and power bars, all while parroting the lastest talking points disseminated by Emanual & co. It seems there are perhaps ten of them, all out of shape, with acne and other skin problems related to a lack of sunshine- I think Rimbo and friends keep their little Computer attack dogs in shackles, or perhaps have them on mind- altering drugs- how else to explain the blind adherence to illogical and unworkable talking points.
The first key to understanding the cadre of mindless drones the WH has on computers, is the limited language they use.
They remind me of high school freshmen, so eager to fit in that they all eagerly use the same words, as if they are the keys to the secret club that they so desperately want to belong to. This is truly an echo chamber, and it doesn’t seem to be a big deal to these little lilliputian minds that they all parrot the same words- “Howler” is one biggie- everyone on the left uses this word as if- (maybe Barry used this word at one time- lets do the same)- this word carries some magical connotation. (“This word renders conservatives powerless- use this one as much as possible.”)
It doesn’t seem to matter what publication one reads- if it is liberal, it will have these words “liberally” sprinkled throughout.
Or, “Roasted”- perhaps these liberal critics of logic once worked at a Quiznos, and can’t get that word out of their mind- now, that word bounces around the echo chamber that is their collective mind. I can’t wait for one of them to slip and ask if we want fries with that lack of logic, or we want to supersize that argument.
And then there are the biggest echo words- “racist” and “bigot”- if you poke one of these invertebrates with a stick, it will automatically bark one of these two words, like a trained seal without the cuteness ( more like a six foot leech that feeds off of taxpayer money).
At this “Undisclosed” location, like the whacko scientists Holdren and Emanual are, they are developing a new lifeform- a computer supergeek, capable of writing illogical party talking points at super speed. They then plug them in and let them counter the conservative blogs using limited language, groupthink, and fueled by massive infusions of gummy worms and Jolt Cola or Red Bull.
Logic is useless against them- it just bounces off of their misshapen heads, covered with the electrodes that Holdren and Zekie boy have surgically implanted. They even give these poor life forms names and a false history. Perhaps they allow some of them to believe they can actually tune a piano and herd goats- a rather dubious duo of talents, but then if that’s what it takes to keep them complacent, oh well. For others, the implanted memories need not be that complicated.
I fear for our Republic when there are so many captive mind slaves employed by the WH- I mean, how can one stand against the combined mind power of these people when they equal a 100 watt bulb? Can we fight these masters of illogic? Will we withstand the blind adherence of party line propaganda? The total verboseness of their writings? A dysentery of nouns and adjectives?
Will we simply lay on the floor, gasping from laughing at their weak arguments? I know I will.
Because now I can tell, the opposition is few, but vocal.
And I can handle vocal- I can use the humor.
Bring it on, mindless drones.
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Tags: Gulliver, man scientists, mind control, trolls
The New “Prohibition”
Sep 25, 2009 Humor, Political, Satire
I have just now figured out how I am going to get rich and rule the world. Smuggling- and not just smuggling the mundane things like drugs and guns- they are so yesterday- but the new currency- I am talking toilet paper.
Not just any toilet paper either- this stuff will be worth the money, believe you me- it will be all long- strand only- no recycled paper products. No, if you buy my product, I’ll even make sure you get the stuff with aloe– now that’s some plushness. I will have to stake out my turf, though- and have a posse to protect the product. I’m sure I can do that. I’ll pay ’em in rolls. That’ll ensure their loyalty.
Now all I have to do is worry about the revenuers.
It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for “soft” (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).
It’s a menace, environmental groups say — and a dark-comedy example of American excess.
The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods.
washingtonpost.com
No, no, no– we are not the Europeans- we don’t use soviet- bloc stuff with the chernobyl bark pressed into the weave here. No, or dare I say Nyet! We are better than that- we are the USA, and we demand softness (and adjectives). If the Europeans want some factory seconds, I will have a warehouse that will specialize in paper bags and the Sheryl Crow commemorative Square At A Time dispenser, complete with napkin size, No Tidy Whitey sheets (may contain up to 20% bark and/ or leaves- not responsible for poison ivy).That is your choice.
The reason for this fight lies in toilet-paper engineering. Each sheet is a web of wood fibers, and fibers from old trees are longer, which produces a smoother and more supple web. Fibers made from recycled paper — in this case magazines, newspapers or computer printouts — are shorter. The web often is rougher.
So, when toilet paper is made for the “away from home” market, the no-choice bathrooms in restaurants, offices and schools, manufacturers use recycled fiber about 75 percent of the time.
But for the “at home” market, the paper customers buy for themselves, 5 percent at most is fully recycled. The rest is mostly or totally “virgin” fiber, taken from newly cut trees, according to the market analysis firm RISI Inc.
washingtonpost.com
See, that’s what I am talkin’ about, Willis- we’ve got the corner on the “at homers”- and we will protect this market with all the viciousness of a momma wolverine protecting her cubs, or a liberal protecting his hypocrisy (your choice).
I figure after about four years of some really phat TP-ing, I can probably retire, sock my money in MUNIs and stuff, and move down to Belize, if it hasn’t become a leftist “worker’s paradise”– if it has, I will have to bring my own stash of TP- God knows socialists don’t even know how to make even toilet paper.
I’ll get the good stuff, the Canadian stuff- oh, it’s so fluffy you could sleep on it- that stuff will go for gold only, preferably unmarked ingots- one ounce, one roll. Aaaahhh, I love the good stuff-
“The problem is not yet getting better,” said Chris Henschel, of the Canadian Parks and Wilderness Society, talking about logging in Canada’s boreal forests. He said real change will come only when consumers change their habits: “It’s unbelievable that this global treasure of Canadian boreal forests is being turned into toilet paper. . . . I think every reasonable person would have trouble understanding how that would be okay.”
washingtonpost.com
Okay? Okay? It is more than okay with me- good God man, do you even know what you are saying? You keep talkin’ like that, you are gonna have to meet my little friend. I am gonna be the next Kennedy dynasty- they did it with whiskey and cigarettes, I will do it with TP- just don’t mess with me- I’ll have the money to hire some goons- you reckon SEIU is for hire? I hear they work cheap- or maybe I heard their work ethic is cheap- am not sure, but I do know I am gonna be rich as soon as the enviro- nuts begin to convince everyone in government to switch to cheaper, rougher, tougher toilet paper.
I will be the one in Hollywood, selling the good stuff to Johnny Depp and George Clooney- what- you don’t think they will be using the cheap stuff do you?
Their commitment to the environment is only skin deep.
Maybe not even that.
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Tags: hypocrisy, put this where the sun never shines, recycle this, toilet paper
The Ice Cream Social Cause
Ben and Jerry’s ice cream is not a particular favorite of mine. In fact I have not had their ice cream in years because I do not like the flavors they offer. I prefer Breyer’s ice cream because it tastes good. And additional benefit is that the company is not involved in social activism.
In honor of Vermont’s new law allowing gay marriage, Ben and Jerry’s has renamed their Chubby Hubby ice cream to Hubby Hubby. It is one thing to celebrate the passage of an event with a new label as they did when Obama was elected and they changed an ice cream name to Yes Pecan or when they changed a flavor to Jerry Garcia to honor the Dead’s lead singer but it is quite another to rename an ice cream to mark the passage of a divisive issue. A lot of people find gay marriage wrong and it does not seem like a smart marketing ploy to remind people of the decay of an institution by giving the ice cream a name that references homosexuality.
I really don’t care about Ben and Jerry’s but find it funny that they think it is smart to inject themselves into this kind of an issue.
At least this is just a temporary change of a product and not a new one. Imagine the label if they had developed a new ice cream called Hubby Hubby:
Hubby Hubby
Fudge Packed Ice CreamLots of smooth cream sprinkled with nuts
For that bold, in your face taste
Perhaps they could have changed their Dublin Mudslide flavor to Double Mudslide or their Berried Treasure to Buried Pleasure…
I also wonder if the lesbians feel left out. There is no ice cream that has been renamed to honor the women’s ability to marry each other.
I think Ben and Jerry should rename their Banana Split ice cream to No Banana Lickety Split. It can have a label like:
No Banana Lickety Split
without nutsA delightful tub of ice cream designed
For those who don’t like to lick a cone
Maybe they could have changed their Phish Food flavor to Phish Mood or Jamacian Me Crazy to Jamacian Me Crazy so Lesbe Friends or even changing Sweet Cream and Cookies to Sweet Cream and Nookie.
OK, I have had about enough fun with this locker room humor. This is your chance to suggest flavors to honor other things in America. Perhaps they can come up with San Francisco Treat (packed with Fruits and Nuts) or maybe Democrat Delight (Lots of Fluff and Lacking Nuts).
Perhaps they can even rehonor Obama with a Cashews for Clunkers flavor. You have to use someone else’s money to buy it…
Lastly, they might try a flavor to honor Ted Kennedy. Something like Liver Quiver, an intoxicating ice cream that is sure to make a splash…
Have at it but try not to be to risque…
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Tags: ben and jerry's, gay marriage, ice cream, Obama, vermont