Crazy Times
Jan 20, 2021 Commentary, General, Immigration, Law Enforcement, Opinion, Satire, Tyranny
Are you a ‘normal, red-blooded American’? Are you tired of every single problem, real or imagined, in the country blamed on you? Are you up-to-here with being called racist, homophobic, xenophobic, sexist, patriarchic, deplorable, or whatever the Liberals decide is an appropriate description of you (even though they don’t know you at all)? Have you had enough of ‘learning’ that the United States of America was not only BUILT upon slavery, but slavery is the only reason for its existence? Or maybe your ears will bleed if you hear one more time that rich, White, European business tycoons get wealthy or extend their current wealth on the backs of the poor and destitute of all races here? Have you been told that everything from math to proper English, to Climate Change, is the result of racism? I may have an answer to all of the above! Let’s dig.
First, please understand that I am aware that what I am about to propose is an insane idea. That, had I not been mentally abused by the nonsense in the first paragraph for literally decades, I wouldn’t have ever entertained such nutty policy suggestions. I hail as a Constitutional Conservative, very much right-of-center politically. I’m normally a live-and-let live guy—almost Libertarian in thought. Other than protecting children, I think most people should have the opportunity to screw up their lives in whatever method they choose, so long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights or property of others. On the other hand, I feel very strongly that, if I’m going to be constantly accused of some crime, regardless of lack of evidence of said crime—or even if I have exculpatory evidence that I absolutely did NOT do the crime, I am going to DO THE CRIME! If I’m guilty and will incur punishment either way, might as well! So, I have a radical idea: take the Liberals’ accusations to heart.
Therefore, effective immediately, we should turn the US into the country the Liberals think we already are. Pendulums swing, and it is time to swing that bad boy in the opposite direction than its current path! As stated above, the US is accused of being so many awful things, so it is time to implement that which we are already guilty of, by our critics!
Dissenting opinions will be tolerated—once. You get your say, as our 1st Amendment allows for. But once stated, anything further is just agitation. We, as a country, don’t want it, don’t need it, and it serves no positive purpose. So, such opinions are now reason for the Ejection Clause below.
Calls for ‘racial equity’ end NOW. This is a meritocracy, and will continue to be so. Anyone wishing to give preferential treatment to any particular race will be subject to the Ejection Clause below. Note that all minorities are still welcome in the US—as are all productive people. Those that make a living by perpetuating the sins of the distant and near past are no longer welcome. Take that particular show on the road. Anywhere but here.
All history textbooks that depict the US as a country founded upon racism and genocide are GONE. No problem telling the story of the US as a factual presentation, but adding the author’s opinions, based on current modes of morality and society, is not only erroneous, it paints the US in a poor, incorrect light. It stops now. Authors of said view will be subject to the Ejection Clause below.
The US has carried able, non-productive people for decades, via our Social Safety Net. This ends now. While we will continue to provide assistance for people in-between jobs, it will no longer be a lifestyle. If you are able to work, you will work—or be assigned work. Don’t like the assigned work? Get a job in a role you like. All Welfare and unemployment compensation will have an end date. Unemployment will be issued based upon real attempts to become employed. Past that date, person will be subject to Ejection Clause below. Note that this section does not cover mentally or physically disabled people. We will use funds recovered from the idle able to implement true care facilities for those that simply cannot function well in society alone. And we will continue to honor our promises of Social Security to those that paid into the system. We will provide food for children and those that need—not money. We will distribute basic foods, relieving our surpluses. Do not like the food available? Get a job. Anyone else, see Ejection Clause below.
Congress will return to its original boundaries and intentions. All spending will only be allowed under Constitutional enumerated powers. The position of Congressman will pay zero salary, with an appropriate expense account that is subject to audit by a citizen committee. Violation of oath of office is terms for immediate office loss, and subject to criminal prosecution. Income taxes will be replaced by a national sales tax. Changing the sales tax rate requires a super-majority of States to ratify. There is no longer a reason to field an IRS, other than to audit sales tax collections, and prevent black market avoidance of sales taxes. There will no longer be a yearly tax filing for individuals—such private information is no longer shared with government. Corporate income taxes, that are currently passed on to consumers, go away completely. Since the ‘progressive income tax’ and ‘corporate income tax’ are gone, Congress no longer can play favorites with the tax code, also removing their ‘fundraising’ hammer. Lobbyists will continue to be legal, via 1st Amendment, but the first dollar that changes hands between lobbyist and Congressman is grounds for criminal prosecution of both parties. ‘Redress of grievances’ will no longer be a monetary transaction. Don’t like the new rules? Don’t run for Congress. Note: voting will be with verifiable ID, in person. The ONLY exceptions are deployed military and hospital patients. Voting will occur from 7am to 7pm, local time zones, only on Election Day. If it isn’t a priority to go to the polls, stay home. Voting machines, if used, will only tabulate votes. Any other function is an attempt to defraud that election, and will not be tolerated. Every voting machine will pass an audit, and must retain all pertinent information for future analysis.
College professors will teach their subject matter. Period. Any attempt to insert political views where unwarranted will be grounds for Eject Clause below. College degree programs will be indexed by anticipated income potential for each specialty. Pre-med, pre-law, IT, engineering, etc. will be full tuition cost, but teaching degrees, and most degrees ending in ‘Studies’ will cost less, in anticipation of the degree holder’s ability to pay. The entire Student Loan program will be reevaluated, top to bottom, every 10 years.
Public sector unions will disappear, effective immediately. With no one representing the funder (taxpayer) at the bargaining table, these negotiations were always political stimulus. Pay will be based upon performance, like any other job in the US. Anyone attempting to change that environment will be subject to the Ejection Clause below.
Our immigration policy is now quite simple: enter thru designated areas. Folks who desire entry will be assessed physically for disease—those failing are denied entry. They will be assessed for their work habits, desire to assimilate, and skill sets. If there are unsatisfactory answers to those queries, they will be denied entry. The US is not responsible for anyone outside of its borders, and we will decide who can come in. Period. Another new rule: new immigrants will be put on a new database, with the sole purpose of verification of good citizenship. In addition, new immigrants will NOT be eligible for any Welfare programs for 5 years, and will not be eligible to vote for 10 years. Our Border Wall will be complete, and our temporary VISAs will be monitored. Overstays and those that avoid proper procedure for entry will be subject to the Ejection Clause below.
The penal system will work into this process. Career felons, with emphasis on those dangerous to society, will serve their sentences as prescribed. Repeat offenders will be subject to the Ejection Clause below. Minor offenses will not be dealt with as severely, but will be tracked for repetition. Those that decide that rioting, looting, arson, and mayhem are appropriate methods of political protests will be immediately subject to the Ejection Clause below.
The Ejection Clause. Mentioned many times above, this is the centerpiece of the new US, that will be run as heartless as it has been accused for decades. Simply put, anyone subject to the Ejection Clause will have six months to get their affairs in order, then will be escorted out of the US. Part of the six-month window will be to pick the country the person wishes to land in. Paperwork to make that happen will be attempted. If their first choice of country isn’t available (or doesn’t want them), the next available country will be chosen for them. Once ejected, the person is forbidden to re-enter the US for 10 years, and even then, it is by application only. All who are ejected get added to a new database. Attempt to re-entry prior to or without application will put that person on a ‘do not allow’ list. This entire process should make everyone happy. The gist of the issue: you don’t like the US, and how it is run; we don’t want you here. Those here will contribute to the economy and advance the history and traditions of the US. So, now we are the mean, whatever-phobic country that everyone accuses us of. Except we will gladly allow anyone productive, of any physical or minority status, to prosper here.
Tags: US policy
A Peek into the Future For Xiden’s Speech
Jan 19, 2021 Political, Satire
I borrowed Doc Brown’s DeLorean and took a trip into the future to see what Xiden would say so you don’t have to listen (seriously, I would rather lick the pole in a strip join in the seedy part of town and doorknobs in Wuhan than listen to Xiden).
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
I state your name, do hereby promise to you know, the thing.
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I am Joseph Robinette, hee hee, that sounds like a small bird I love birds, they fly, ever wish you could fly? Um, Biden and I am happy to become the 46th Chairman of the People’s Republik of America, oh, um the United States, wait for applause. After four years of Donald Trump and his low unemployment and booming economy I want to assure you that I intend to change all of that. We cannot have Americans holding jobs that rightfully belong to illegal immigrants who are heading here right now. Wait for applause.
I look out and see the vast empty space with no people there and it reminds me of the campaign where I could not draw flies. But me and Barack, he is one of the clean, articulate black guys, you know, we had the best most organized election fraud plan in place so I knew I would win. I mean, I am demented and most days sit around staring at my belly button, hee hee. Ever notice how paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons? They wouldn’t have had them if they were not born. I like the paintings of Eve, I imagine what smelling her hair would be like. Oh, Barack, he did OK listening to me. I gained a lot of experience handling those people when I told Corn Pop he better watch it or I would rub my hairy legs on him. I remember it because my dad took me to the pool where Corn Pop was and I saw two black men kissing and I asked him what that was about and he told me, Joey, they are in love.
Now I was a boy from Scranton, yo Scranton in the house, wait for applause, and I can tell you we didn’t see two black men kissing each other up there. We only had them tending our gardens and cleaning our cars. In fact, I didn’t see any white guys, or for that matter any guys kissing because when I was 15 it was 1957 and no matter how gay you were you didn’t show it. I only said that so you would think I was worthy of your vote. I mean, I picked a black chick, I mean, broad, I mean woman, is that OK Nancy, where’s Nancy Pelosi, stand up Nancy, God love ya what am I talking about it’s 1 pm Nancy is too drunk to stand. So I picked Kamala because she has the name of a big wrestler and liked watching him when I was in the Senate. I imagined body slamming Corn Pop that way but now I wouldn’t mind smashing her. She is into that. I told her she had pretty lips but she said too late, I already have the job.
So Trump messed up everything by beating Hillary. Hey Hill, too bad they didn’t cheat for you like this. But Joey B, the Big Guy, is here to mop up after Orange Man Bad. So we tried to kill that guy off. I mean have you ever seen such a resilient guy? We accused him of colluding with Russia and spent millions of YOUR dollars to investigate the thing we all knew was a lie just to get a report from that demented fool Mueller, we are in the same adult day care group, saying there was no collusion. I mean what did we pay him for? Then they impeached Trump and that didn’t work. No matter what this guy kept working for the people and making their lives better with tax cuts and more take home pay and a better quality of life. We Democrats could not stand for that! Wait for applause.
So I am here to tell you, look at all those soldiers. Man there are a lot of them. I have not seen that many at a swearing in since the last despot rigged an election and needed the military to protect him. Are these guys vetted? Do we know if they are loyal to the Chairman? Where is the Chairman, oh that’s me, what was I thinking? Can I mumble dogface to the banana patch? What dog faced pony soldier put that in there?
These soldiers, are they on the up and up? There are a lot of white ones there and that scares me. There are only a few soldiers of color or female ones. What am I saying, I mean there is not representation from the 50 different sexes we invented to demonstrate our mental illness. But those fellows have guns. Are they loaded? They look like assault weapons. You don’t need them. You soldiers listen, just get a shotgun and if there is a problem fire two blasts, that will scare them. Just give us a warning, after last week many Democrats from Congress are jumpy. They do not want to piss, I mean urinate in their pants again. They should wear Depends like me. The urine smell is not so bad once you get used to it. If you wear Ben Gay no one really notices the urine smell.
So I will be working to overturn all that Donald Trump did to make America great again, oh God, I mean to rile up his base. Good thing I got 80 million votes. Remember, nothing suspicious about that, wait for applause.
Look at all those fences around this place. It kind of feels like we are incarcerated. Funny how that looks appropriate.
So here is the thing, I have to start having little boys come in to the White House. The Pope will send me some. I like to touch them and have them sit on my lap. Then I tell them to pretend they are riding a horse.
Anyone who thinks I did not win is full of, I mean, come on man.
I am from Scranton and my first wife and little baby died and I lied about the guy who hit the car to gain politically. But no worries, I have been in office for 47 years and I did nothing but you can take my word, when I tell you something I mean it, I will change things now and erase the success of Trump.
One last thing. If you think I am donating my salary you are more demented than I am. God bless the Democrats, Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Dorsey, Premier Xi, the Dominion folks and the cheaters in all the battleground states. Without your illegal efforts I would not be here today.
And if you are wondering why I did not mention Covid it is because it has served its purpose. Now things will open and we will get back to normal. Thanks to the Wuhan Folks, my Wu Crew, for putting that together.
Now it is four hours past my lid time so that’s a wrap. Wait for applause.
END TRANSCRIPT
Well folks there you have it, my look into the future and a transcript of Chairman Xiden’s speech.
You have four years of this fool or the tool he has with him. Good luck with that…
#FAFO
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
Cave canem!
Never surrender, never submit.
Satellite Kills Taliban On Obama’s Orders *SATIRE*
Sep 24, 2011 Satire
A NASA Satellite the size of a bus fell to Earth in the wee hours of the morning breaking apart and mostly disintegrating in the atmosphere. A few dozen large parts fell to Earth and struck the leaders of the Taliban in Afghanistan. The terror group is in disarray and the loss of its leaders might mean an end to the group.
Barack Obama went on national television just after the deaths were confirmed to let the public know that at his direction, the NASA satellite was aimed for the Taliban in order to kill them. Obama indicated that it was his wise leadership that realized the satellite could be used to rid us of an enemy and he directed NASA to aim the orbiting space junk at the Taliban.
“Shortly after midnight (Eastern) a satellite from NASA was, under my orders, directed to land on Taliban leaders in Afghanistan. I knew this was a risky move because innocent civilians could have been killed but I thought the risk was worth the effort. Under my leadership, the Taliban leaders were killed by falling space junk thus saving taxpayer dollars on missiles and other ordnance. As with the take out of Bin Laden, I had complete control of everything going on and am confident that the world is a better place because of me. There were not enough pieces of the dead leaders to conduct a burial at sea”, Obama stated at the press conference. [Made up news dot com]
Asked if he intended to use other space junk as weaponry, Obama declined to answer citing national security.
Pundits expect the move to kill Taliban with space junk will give Obama a huge bump in the polls and lead him to a successful reelection in 2012.
**For all the liberals, the defunct Attack Watch, and Media Matters, this piece is satire.
Cave Canem!
Never surrender, never submit.
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The Obama BS Removal Kit
Jul 17, 2010 Satire
After 18 months of failure, high unemployment, and movement toward Socialism even some of the most ardent Obama supporters feel they were sold a bill of goods. Many of them foolishly put Obama bumper stickers on their cars (I say foolishly because it is foolish to put any bumper sticker on a car). Now many of them want to remove those bumper stickers so people will not know they are the ones who gave us this disaster in chief.
So a new product is on the market to help get those Obama Bumper Stickers (BS) off your car:
This looks like something that a lot of people could use about now.
Never surrender, never submit.
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Tags: bs remover, cars, Obama
Maybe Jupiter Suffers From Global Warming
The planet Jupiter has lost one of its stripes and scientists are trying to figure out why.
Jupiter has lost one of its iconic red stripes and scientists are baffled as to why.
The largest planet in our solar system is usually dominated by two dark bands in its atmosphere, with one in the northern hemisphere and one in the southern hemisphere.
However, the most recent images taken by amateur astronomers have revealed the lower stripe known as the Southern Equatorial Belt has disappeared leaving the southern half of the planet looking unusually bare.
The band was present in at the end of last year before Jupiter ducked behind the Sun on its orbit. However, when it emerged three months later the belt had disappeared. Daily Mail UK
Perhaps this is from global warming. The people of Jupiter, like those on Mars, have been using fossil fuels and driving their SUVs all over the place just gumming up the works and making stripes disappear.
Of course, since neither of these planets are inhabited it would be foolish to blame any kind of climate change on the problems they face with warming (Mars) or bands disappearing (Jupiter) because that would indicate that warming or climate change on a planet is not man-made.
The most likely explanation for the loss of the band is storm activity, activity that took place in the absence of man…
Though one cannot rule out that global warming is to blame. If we hurry, we might be able to get Gore, Pelosi, Frank, Kerry, Lieberman, Obama and a host of other warmers on a ship and send them to fix the problem.
One can only hope…
Never surrender, never submit.
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Tags: global warming, jupiter, mars