The New “Prohibition”
Sep 25, 2009 Humor, Political, Satire
I have just now figured out how I am going to get rich and rule the world. Smuggling- and not just smuggling the mundane things like drugs and guns- they are so yesterday- but the new currency- I am talking toilet paper.
Not just any toilet paper either- this stuff will be worth the money, believe you me- it will be all long- strand only- no recycled paper products. No, if you buy my product, I’ll even make sure you get the stuff with aloe– now that’s some plushness. I will have to stake out my turf, though- and have a posse to protect the product. I’m sure I can do that. I’ll pay ’em in rolls. That’ll ensure their loyalty.
Now all I have to do is worry about the revenuers.
It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for “soft” (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).
It’s a menace, environmental groups say — and a dark-comedy example of American excess.
The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods.
washingtonpost.com
No, no, no– we are not the Europeans- we don’t use soviet- bloc stuff with the chernobyl bark pressed into the weave here. No, or dare I say Nyet! We are better than that- we are the USA, and we demand softness (and adjectives). If the Europeans want some factory seconds, I will have a warehouse that will specialize in paper bags and the Sheryl Crow commemorative Square At A Time dispenser, complete with napkin size, No Tidy Whitey sheets (may contain up to 20% bark and/ or leaves- not responsible for poison ivy).That is your choice.
The reason for this fight lies in toilet-paper engineering. Each sheet is a web of wood fibers, and fibers from old trees are longer, which produces a smoother and more supple web. Fibers made from recycled paper — in this case magazines, newspapers or computer printouts — are shorter. The web often is rougher.
So, when toilet paper is made for the “away from home” market, the no-choice bathrooms in restaurants, offices and schools, manufacturers use recycled fiber about 75 percent of the time.
But for the “at home” market, the paper customers buy for themselves, 5 percent at most is fully recycled. The rest is mostly or totally “virgin” fiber, taken from newly cut trees, according to the market analysis firm RISI Inc.
washingtonpost.com
See, that’s what I am talkin’ about, Willis- we’ve got the corner on the “at homers”- and we will protect this market with all the viciousness of a momma wolverine protecting her cubs, or a liberal protecting his hypocrisy (your choice).
I figure after about four years of some really phat TP-ing, I can probably retire, sock my money in MUNIs and stuff, and move down to Belize, if it hasn’t become a leftist “worker’s paradise”– if it has, I will have to bring my own stash of TP- God knows socialists don’t even know how to make even toilet paper.
I’ll get the good stuff, the Canadian stuff- oh, it’s so fluffy you could sleep on it- that stuff will go for gold only, preferably unmarked ingots- one ounce, one roll. Aaaahhh, I love the good stuff-
“The problem is not yet getting better,” said Chris Henschel, of the Canadian Parks and Wilderness Society, talking about logging in Canada’s boreal forests. He said real change will come only when consumers change their habits: “It’s unbelievable that this global treasure of Canadian boreal forests is being turned into toilet paper. . . . I think every reasonable person would have trouble understanding how that would be okay.”
washingtonpost.com
Okay? Okay? It is more than okay with me- good God man, do you even know what you are saying? You keep talkin’ like that, you are gonna have to meet my little friend. I am gonna be the next Kennedy dynasty- they did it with whiskey and cigarettes, I will do it with TP- just don’t mess with me- I’ll have the money to hire some goons- you reckon SEIU is for hire? I hear they work cheap- or maybe I heard their work ethic is cheap- am not sure, but I do know I am gonna be rich as soon as the enviro- nuts begin to convince everyone in government to switch to cheaper, rougher, tougher toilet paper.
I will be the one in Hollywood, selling the good stuff to Johnny Depp and George Clooney- what- you don’t think they will be using the cheap stuff do you?
Their commitment to the environment is only skin deep.
Maybe not even that.
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Tags: hypocrisy, put this where the sun never shines, recycle this, toilet paper
China Forecloses On DC
Sep 8, 2009 Satire
China is holding trillions of dollars of US debt and the prospect of getting paid is extremely bleak so China has decided to foreclose on Washington DC.
On September 20th the Communist Flag of China will be raised at the White House as that nation takes possession of the presidential residence. The joy felt throughout China is best expressed in the following statement:
“It was always my dream to raise a Chinese flag in the center of Washington, D.C.,” Chen Ronghua, chief of the U.S.-Fujian Association, told the newspaper. “This year, my motherland’s 60th birthday, is the perfect time for it.” World Net Daily
In addition to the White House, China will take possession of the presidential retreat at Camp David, the Washington Monument, the Jefferson Memorial, the Capitol and the Treasury Building.
China was unsure about taking the Capitol but figured since it already owned most members of Congress it might as well take the building. Representatives of China also decided that the White House was not worth as much as they had anticipated because the current resident smokes there and lowered the value of the building.
The foreclosure does not erase the entire debt and China will likely foreclose on other properties once it sends a delegation here to assess property values.
Van Jones commented that he is unhappy that he will not be a part of the administration that finally embraces Communism as he had done but was proud to be a part of history even if it was for a very brief time.
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Tags: china, chinese flag, communists, foreclose, Obama, van jones
Mmmmmmm- Organic Sludge
Michelle Barama decided to plant an “organic” garden on the grounds of the White House, ostensibly to use as both food, and as a teaching tool. She has planted several types of veggies- tomatoes, arugula (a type of faux lettuce- like green leafy substance common people cannot afford), as well as some other veggies. Question- does she have her mother weed the garden? Does she do that herself, or does she have her kids? I would recommend the kids- younger backs and all.
Still, she has found trouble in the garden- or at least the Parks Service has. They have found where Bill Clinton has been spreading all his used speeches.
When First Lady Michelle Obama planted an organic vegetable garden on the White House lawn in March 2009, she hoped to both set an example of healthy eating and to grow tasty edibles for her daughters and husband. But Michelle’s organic dream has been dashed by a nasty toxic legacy lurking in the soils of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It turns out that a previous Presidential gardening team had used sewage sludge for fertilizer.
dailyfinance.com
Yes, and probably Hussein has been piling on also, thinking that his speeches don’t stink. Well, I know I would hesitate to eat anything out of that garden- you can’t scrape all of that stuff off- have you ever tried to clean a shoe after stepping into a Barama speech? Just throw it away, that’s what I do. Of course, when possible, I try to avoid the whole pile altogether, but it’s getting harder and harder, because the piles are getting higher.
The likely source of the toxic sludge that has ruined Michelle’s garden? The Clinton White House apparently used a sludge-based product to fertilize the lawn during the 1990s! Aside from casting a shadow on the first White House vegetable garden since Eleanor Roosevelt resided there, the sludge ensures that Michelle’s garden will never attain organic status. Organic certification processes strictly prohibit the use of sludge as a fertilizer substitute.
dailyfinance.com
Man- I don’t blame the Parks service for being disgusted- I would be also, if someone had spread Democratic lies all over the White House lawn. I’m rather surprised that neither Barney, the former First Dog, nor Bo, the current Demo- cur, has been poisoned by their close exposure to the lies spread by the left in the WH.
The White House has sought to downplay the issue, and a number of experts have pointed out that 93 ppm of sludge in soil is somewhat normal for older urban locales. However, the EPA recommends not growing food in soil that has 100 ppm. Several major food producers, including H.J. Heinz and Del Monte, won’t accept produce grown in sludge. That’s despite decades of U.S. government efforts to encourage farmers to use solid sewage wastes in lieu of traditional fertilizer products.
financial times.com
I don’t know if the White House grounds will ever be the same, after the toxic releases of both Clinton and Hussein all over the place- we should probably just go ahead, bite the bullet, and call in the EPA to designate this as a Superfund site.
Of course, for their safety, the Husseins should move out, along with all their relatives, both domestic and foreign, so we can ensure that this place can be safely and throughly cleaned of any liberal sludge.
I understand that just a drop on your skin can make you vote for anything that doesn’t make sense.
And no one wants that.
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Tags: democratic speeches, garden, lies, organics, sewage, sludge
It’s Time, Chris, Ted
Jul 31, 2009 Political, Satire
According to page 245 of the Healthcare bill, people 65 years or older, when they might have a terminal, or possible terminal illness, should be counseled on possible procedures that might help assist the transition into another life- and we don’t mean that of a Wal- Mart greeter. Instead, these people should be counseled on possible ways to end their lives, and in that spirit, I would like to volunteer to “counsel” Chris Dodd, and Teddy Kennedy, who both have cancer, are over 65, and have one foot in the afterlife and the other on a banana peel.
I feel that I should remind them of all the good things……okay things….alright, fairly bad things that they have been party to, and maybe, just maybe, this might be a real good time to begin looking forward to a different “way” of looking at life, like perhaps from the point of view of a cadaver. Just think of your new constituency- more people are dead than are alive.
Why think of the possibilities- George Parr and LBJ caused an entire cemetery in Duval County to rise and vote, why couldn’t you? And these people- okay, perhaps some of them are already the dust the Bible speaks of, but the ones who are not yet crumbled will be beholden to you, because even AARP drops dead people from their subscription lists. Why, it’s as if they cease to exist- noone has their back, and they are a grossly underrepresented minority—- fine- technically, they do constitute a majority, but I am sure we can work on the fine points.
The truth is, it is time for you to go, and there are some people you could be kind enough to take with you. Senator Byrd, for example- he is truly the walking dead, and an inspiration to every zombie in the land. Helen Thomas, you could take her- after all, you might need a journalist to give you good press- oh and Ginsburg, too, just to be on the safe side- a lawyer never goes out of style.
So here’s a handful of pills- be sure and take them with a full glass of water, we wouldn’t want you to choke, or fail to take them all. Lie down, and we will play you some real nice music, with a hologram of peaceful places and soothing scenery- you know, kind of like that movie “Soylent Green”. You’ll like it.
See you on the flip side.
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Obama’s Teleprompter Commits Suicide
Jul 14, 2009 Satire
It is no secret that Barack Obama uses his teleprompter as a crutch. He needs it to stay on message because when he goes freestyle he says things he does not want people to hear. The teleprompter has been with him through the last six months and has heard nearly every speech he has made. It has also heard all the practice runs of those speeches.
I know that I have had my fill of listening to him so I can only imagine how horrible it must have been for the teleprompter, or TOTUS, as it is called.
Today was too much for the poor TOTUS so during a speech Obama gave the TOTUS jumped off its stand and committed suicide. The death was instant as the TOTUS shattered into a bunch of little pieces when it hit the floor.
Obama expressed brief sadness by exclaiming “Oh Goodness!” and then continued with his speech. The TOTUS’s twin brother was able to resist the urge to jump and guided Obama through the balance of the speech.
Asked to comment after the speech, TOTUS II said that his brother had been under a great deal of pressure to make Obama sound good and that the strain had been evident as he malfunctioned for Joe Biden and Mrs. Obama in recent speeches. TOTUS said that he knew it was only a matter of time before his brother went to pieces.
Funeral services will begin tomorrow at noon at a local glass factory after which TOTUS will be recycled into a toilet bowl, a fixture more fitting for what Obama has been spreading.
A plaque above the toilet bowl will read:
Here lies the reincarnation of TOTUS
A fixture that put words in Obama’s mouth
Considering what Obama has been spewing
We needed a place to ralph
Sources:
ABC News
Real Clear Politics (video)
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Tags: broken, Obama, suicide, teleprompter