Headlines From The Year 2029
May 23, 2006 Political
Here is a bit of humor from a friend:
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
- Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
- Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-years & $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
- Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Big Dog Salute to: DG
Open Letter To President Bush
Apr 19, 2006 Uncategorized
Here is a letter to President Bush from someone who is taking a trip to Mexico. I think this is a reasonable request.
Dear President Bush:
I’m about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I’m going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I’m sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I’m on my way over?
And – Please! – let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flagpole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won’t make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my housetop, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want this to result in any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don’t enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on their economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico.
I am sure that Mexico’s Presidente Fox won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However – if he gives you any trouble – just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P. Cheney.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
Hope you enjoyed it…
Big Dog Salute to BK
Tags: Humor
Blame It On Global Warming
Apr 9, 2006 Political
In California, a huge block of ice fell from the sky and no one can tell where it came from or why it happened. One minute everyone was out California Dreaming and the next minute ker-plat, a huge chunk of ice falls from the sky. Now they have not come up with a reason so I am going to help them, AL Gore style.
We all know that ice hangs out up in the sky minding its own business. Sometimes it melts a bit and becomes rain but for the most part it just hangs up there being real happy. Since evil human beings burn fossil fuels, the ice blocks in the sky have been melting at an alarming rate. They are losing their grip on the sky and starting to fall. Experts agree, global warming is the reason for this. Said Dr. Ima Qwack, “I am afraid this incident in California is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. We can expect more such instances if we do not do something to curb the use of fossil fuels. We need to do it now or there will be millions of ice chunks falling from the skies. (celebrity voices impersonated)
There you have it, the Al Gore global warming explanation for the ice chunk that fell out of the sky.
Source: KTVU News
The Next Of Kin
Apr 8, 2006 Uncategorized
I thought a little Saturday Morning Humor was in order. Not long ago Bosun sent this to me so I thought I would share it:
Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine
spring day in his new Washington, DC parish. He
walked to the window of his bedroom for a deep
breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for
assistance.The conversation went like: “Good morning. This
is Senator Teddy Kennedy. How might I help you?”“And the best of the day te yerself. This is
Father O’Malley at St Brigid’s. There’s a jackass
lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as
to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the
matter?Senator Kennedy, considering himself to be quite
a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it
was always my impression that you people took care
of last rites!”There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment. Father O’Malley then replied “Aye, that’s
certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify
the next of kin.
I think this is funny but why would anyone insult a jackass in this fashion?
Tags: Humor
No Sex Since 1955
Mar 23, 2006 Uncategorized
A little humor for Thursday
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
“The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
(Don’t ya love military time?!)
Tags: Humor