Supercomputer Simulates Mouse Brain
Apr 29, 2007 Uncategorized
Scientists have simulated half a mouse brain by running a cortical simulator of their BlueGene L supercomputer. This appears to be a step toward artificial intelligence. The supercomputer ran the cortical simulator program for half a mouse’s brain and according to those present the first thing the computer did was utter the words:
“The war in Iraq is lost”
Then the computer began making land deals and accepting illegal gifts. The computer was shut down after it indicated that it was expressing the will of the American people.
Tags: Satire
I Killed the Mahdi, No Redemption for Islam
Apr 28, 2007 Uncategorized
The Mahdi (Muhammad ibn Hasan ibn Ali), or twelfth Imam, is the reported savior of the Islamic world and will bring redemption to all Muslims. Some Muslims believe that Muhammad was born in 868 and hidden by God until the day when all Muslims are in suffering and the world is filled with injustice and distress the Mahdi will reappear along with the “prophet” Jesus (who will pray behind the Mahdi) and the world will be made a better place. The Mahdi is supposed to appear and establish peace on Earth. I figure that this means all Muslims will be dead because they are not peaceful people despite their claims to the contrary. The Muslims contend that This will be a time when Islam will rule the world and infidels will be converted or killed. Looks like they were all wrong.
There I was, cutting the grass using my global warming friendly gasoline lawnmower when a bearded man appeared. He was wearing a bed sheet and had a smaller sheet wrapped around his head. He started speaking to me and he was screaming about me being and infidel who must be converted or killed. I asked him who the hell he was and he said that he was Muhammad ibn Hasan ibn Ali but told me I could call him the Mahdi. He then ordered me to kneel before him and submit to Islam. I said to him “Before we go any further, what are you doing here? You are supposed to appear when the Muzzies are in distress and filled with injustice.”
Mahdi: They are filled with injustice and distress.
Big Dog: Yeah sure, but they have been that way for centuries. They are always killing either each other or infidels. They live like it is still 868 or so.
Mahdi: INFIDEL! I will kill you. Death to all Americans. How dare you talk about my people. Brother Ahmadinejad, Allah be praised, has summoned me because you Americans are causing this distress and injustice now kneel before me you infidel ape.
Big Dog: Listen Mahdi Gras, I kneel before no Muslim, prophet or otherwise. I kneel before my Lord Jesus. I am sure you know him. He has all the followers who try to live in peace but your clan keeps screwing that up. Threatening to kill me is a pretty peaceful thing. No wonder your people are so screwed up, their so called prophets are lunatics.
Mahdi: Infidel Pig. I will cut your head off with my sword.
Big Dog: Dude, you don’t have a sword and a lot has changed since 868. By the time you get back with a sword I will be locked and cocked. I will make a hole in you large enough for a couple of hogs to walk through.
Mahdi: Infidel ape. I will beat you to death for your insult to Islam and then I will make that woman pay for not being covered. She is a whore and I will kill her.
Ms. Dog: Who is this jackass wrapped in a sheet and who is he calling a whore? Dog, take care of him. It might cause and international incident if I, a woman, come over there and kick his rear back into hiding.
Mahdi: Let’s go infidel swine. I will kill you and then I will show the woman how to be respectful.
The Mahdi and I took to it. I have to admit he was pretty good with his hands but I expected that from a guy named Muhammad Ali. However, I opened a can of Big Dog brand whoop ass and stomped a mud puddle into his ass and then I walked it dry. I then dismembered the Mahdi and hung his pieces at the boundaries of my town for all to see that the Mahdi is dead.
When I returned Jesus told me I had done a good job. He told me that the Mahdi was no real prophet. He was playing hide and seek hundreds of years ago and hid in a well. A Christian put a lid on the well and all was fine until Ahmadinejad opened it up.
So to all the Muslims who think it is OK to impose Sharia Law and to kill or convert the infidels, your quest is over. No matter what you do the Mahdi will not be coming because the Big Dog killed him in battle.
There will be no redemption for the Muzzies, the Mahdi has left the building. Ah thank you, Ah, thank you very much.
Tags: Satire
New Liberal Tin Foil Hat
Apr 27, 2007 Uncategorized
The liberals at the Daily Kos and other sites as well as the Cindy Sheehag crowd are lining up to get the 2007 version of the tin foil hat which has been invented by a woman in England. The hat, as seen here, is called the “Veil of Protection” by the lady who wears it. This new term is to deflect the tin foil hat jokes that the liberals do not hear because their hats protect them from bad karma. This is a much better version than the Cone of Silence used by Maxwell Smart but not as effective at keeping liberals quiet.
Hats off to the libs and their new invention.
Tags: Satire
PETA, Others, Protest Mutant Ninja Turtles
Mar 30, 2007 Uncategorized
This little ditty comes to us from The Spoof via our friend Jay of Stop the ACLU. Jay is about half way through his fun filled Middle Eastern Vacation (sounds like a National Lampoon Movie) and will return just before Summer starts.
TMNT, the new CGI movie based on the comic book “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” opened to throngs of protesters of all persuasions, most of whom were protesting each other.
Firstly there were large, dramatic protests by the animals rights group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).
“Those cute little turtles, in the flashback scene?” said a distraught-looking teenage girl who refused to give her name, “Those were real little turtles, and the conditions they were kept in… oh it’s so disturbing.”
But PETA was not the only group on hand for protest. They were in fact, themselves, being protested by Amnesty International, who abhor PETA’s practice of putting animal rights on par with, or even above human rights.
“There are hundreds of large-scale humanitarian crises around the world today,” said Amnesty spokeswoman Karen Darrow, “and it is irresponsible of PETA to try to focus international attention on the plight of a few turtles, when so much human suffering exists in the world.”
The ACLU – American Civil Liberties Union – was also present, protesting what they say is Amnesty International’s attempts to silence PETA’s free speech. The ACLU was in turn protested by The Christian Coalition of America (CCA), who were protested by Americans United for Separation of Church and State (AU).
All five organizations, and the movie itself were protested by the Reverend Fred Phelps, who held a sign reading, “Thank God for Dead Turtles and Fags.”
TMNT took in $25.4 million in its opening weekend, topping the action blockbuster “300” which was only protested by the National Historical Accuracy Society (NHAS) and three angry Iranians.
Now that’s just funny and the reason it is funny is because everyone who reads it can almost believe this would happen.
Only in America…..
Tags: Satire
There Are Humans on Mars!
Mar 2, 2007 Uncategorized
It appears that Mars is warming up just like the Earth is. Scientists say this indicates a natural cause for global warming rather than man made. But does it? Since Al Gore and all of the tree hugging crowd is absolutely convinced that humans cause global warming then there must be humans living on Mars.
Humans cause global warming
There is global warming on Mars
therefore
There must be humans on Mars
Tags: Satire