Big Dogs Weblog

The Pandemic of Liberalitis

by Blake on Apr 28, 2009 at 15:40 Political

Day One-Today, another subject, Person S. succumbed to an inexplicably virulent strain of Liberalism, and fell to the floor twitching uncontrollably, talking in a rambling fashion about class warfare, hiking taxes and controlling the “dumb racists and rednecks” that they claimed were running the world. The preliminary diagnosis is Liberalitis, complicated with Murtha’s Syndrome, an apparent virulent variant of Tourette’s Syndrome.

Only when presented with a teleprompter, was the subject able to enunciate a lucid thought, and the subject appeared to calm somewhat. This condition is still being evaluated at this time, as the subject has sealed himself in a pod where the metamorphosis will be completed. Evaluation will continue.

Day Two- Subject awoke screaming “Stimulus! Stimulus!” so we were forced to trank him in order to strap him down for observation. He is still foaming at the mouth, moaning, “Master, Master- I serve you- I shall sleep at your feet, and worship the Marine One you fly in on.”- There was more, but we are still having the translators work on it. We believe the language to have some proto- Hawaiian or African roots. It’s really too early to tell. Poor creature. He’s obviously lost his soul.

Day Three-Subject S. appears to be calmer for the moment, but rapid eye movement from side to side betray his madness. He speaks of a “Super- Majority”, and how he will bring about the End. There is also an obscure reference to thirty pieces of silver- how odd. Now he’s singing J-E-L-L-O, and yelling something about “Betrayal you can believe in”. I fear his mind has been consumed in self delusion, and we are too late to help this wretch. We can only observe, and pray to God to help preserve his immortal soul from the One Who Prattles Overmuch.
We are afraid that we might not have the strength or skill to draw him back from the Dark Lord.

Day Four-All our skill has proven futile- Subject S. has given his soul to the One in exchange for not having to actually go into the real world and face Life After Politics, apparently a horrendous fate for a man with no skills and very limited intelligence, combined with the natural tendency to have severely atrophied and shriveled morals, caused by the overuse of ethical waffling. Oh- lets not forget Murtha’s Syndrome.

The case is hopeless, common sense can not be restored- we have tried mightily, but in the end, political survival and rampant equivocation has overcome morality, common sense, and an intelligent choice.

Nothing more can be done for this poor soul- we shall have to let him loose and hope he finds his way home, and that his crippling dementia doesn’t make him keep veering to the left, perpetually going in circles.

It’s probably for the best that Subject S. has already emasculated himself. We could not, in good conscience, allow this DNA into the gene pool. Now, we have to keep attention to the spreading of Liberalitis, and its toxic effects on civilization as we know it. Our very survival may, in fact, rely on our vigilance in curbing this vicious virus, as it could spread through the population quickly, converting many of us into non- working entitlement monkeys, who will wantonly suck all money from the few who can resist this virus and continue to work.

If you are feeling as if people owe you a living, and that you should earn as much as your boss, if you begin to believe wacky things that have no roots in the real world, you are hallucinating. Stop where you are, go to the nearest lamppost, and slam your head into the post until you feel pain. This should take your mind off of ridiculous theories and faulty logic. See your nearest parent. Talk with them. They CAN help.

You CAN get through this. You do NOT have to be like Subject S.

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Tags: dementia, liberalitis, Murtha, specter